Mini Super Fat Kids Club

my bad

2009-12-22T12:14:00.001-08:00

to you, the person who's hurt me more than anything all these years

2009-12-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

to you.
when the going gets rough, you managed to make it worse. it's not fair that you do that to me. you're suppose to love me and you're suppose to be my support. without it, i don't know how you expect me to be a better person. i can't stress enough how much you hurt me. and not just emotionally but in every way. i sometimes feel sorry for myself because i'm like this and because our relationship is broken like the way it is. it makes me even angrier than sad, that you chose to be like this in front of me and that you chose to treat me the way you do. i don't understand, you know? no matter how much i try to communicate that with you, it doesn't seem to work and you don't even care. you don't even know how much i'm struggling to fix this and you just sit like nothing's going wrong, like you don't even see what you're doing to me.

does it even matter to you?
JFKDLASKLAJIOCACAS YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY SOMETIMES.
& i don't want to even try anymore.
i don't want to care about you.
so

maybe i will stop
stop caring about you
stop worrying about you
and stop loving you.

i give up on you.

2009-12-12T17:33:00.001-08:00

it makes me angry and sad and every unahppy emotion...

that you don't and never will understand how i feel.
i hate you

my heart is not broken

2009-12-09T22:56:00.001-08:00

by cherrina.

right now im on my

2009-11-26T08:02:00.001-08:00

right now im on my way to san diego and it is a beautiful day today. it's awfully bright out. we still have maybe 2 1/2 hours left

Best Friends in the Desert

2009-11-22T08:22:00.001-08:00

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

“Today my best friend saved my life.”

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”

The friend replied, when someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”

Still ?

2009-11-19T06:39:00.000-08:00

AP US History
oh why do you hate me
i only took you for the weight
and now i regret it so

but(cause) i can't resist to pass the class
because i made myself fit it in my schedule
and God wants me to do the best i can
cause he's right here and will be with me

so now, i'm less upset
i just need to do what i can
God you, are my rock
and you confirm it every day

when people discover passion

2009-11-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

and we come upon something rareeeeee

i want to

2009-11-04T07:28:00.001-08:00

give up.

i've never felt so bad for an animal

2009-11-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

maybe even more because he's lived with me

ggomie has moved around so many times even before we started taking care of him. it sucks because we had to give him away since we're not allowed to have more than one dog. so we gave him to my friend...

he ran away for a while. and i guess they found him.
(thanks for telling me... fucking jerks)
i was worried sick and you.. fhsaiofjakjcakla

anyway, he's back and because of my friend's mom's allergies they can't keep him and now they're giving him to someone else who is suppose to be a "good owner". i don't think i believe in good owners anymore. i mean, i wasn't one obviously... no one's any better.

i feel so bad for him and it makes me so sad
i feel sorry for him
i wish he could live with us again...
i wish i could see him again..

hmmm.

2009-11-03T15:56:00.000-08:00

-First, stop bitching. You will bitch no more about anything that you can solve. You will solve it. You will bitch no more about things you can’t control, because you can’t control it. You will accept it. Catch yourself whenever you bitch. Instead, be optimistic about things to a reasonable extent. It might not be true that the future is better, but thinking it is helps a lot. Smile more, the world is here for you and you are here for the world

-Second, sit down and think not what you want to be, but just the “coolest you” possible. This is not the time for fantasy. If you’re scrawny, don’t want to be bulky, it just won’t happen. Work with your scrawniness. Your “coolest you” should have friends because he’s a good guy, not because he’s a sleaze and takes advantage of people. Anyway, start the list: what will the “coolest you” dress like? Act like? What friends does he have? How does he get those friends? What does he eat? What does he drink? What does he think about? What books does he like? Movies? Cuisine? Religion? Everything. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep this person in your thoughts and try to be like him at all times. Make every effort to become this person. Even down to the way you laugh, talk, walk, and dance. Practice all of this. Eventually, practice will make habit will make you who you are. If you hate something in your life, move away from it immediately. If you can’t move away from it, get the thickest skin possible towards it.

-Stop caring what people think, within reason. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. If someone says “Haha, you’re wearing a purple shirt” you say “damn right I’m wearing a purple shirt, it’s awesome” because you decided to wear it that day, and you did think it’s awesome. Everything else in your life should be handled this way. If you liked it initially, then it’s awesome. Unless a ton of people really don’t like it… then consider changing. When it comes to your unchangeable body, it’s always awesome, no matter how many people say otherwise. You can’t change it, so you better just accept it and move on. There are tons of ugly actors that make it big just because they’re filled with confidence and tell people they look awesome. For some reason people start to believe it.

-Eat healthy and have a workout routine. Nothing fancy. 20 minutes a day of some aerobics. Eat all whole wheats, keep sugar/fats to a minimum. No fast food. Trust me, you can do a lot with this. It’ll keep you feeling good and looking good. Drink water and get 8-9 hours of sleep most days. Don’t sleep in.

-Talk to people. Everywhere. When you’re stopped next to someone, say something about the weather or something you both have in common. Some people will respond, some won’t. Get over it and keep moving forward. Every single time, your thought of how it’s going to go is much worse than what will truly happen. One important idea to internalize is “You do not fail if you get shot down by someone. That is winning. Failing is not approaching them in the first place.”

-When you do something that involves striving for a large, hard to get goal, go crazy. When I wanted to get a retail job, I went out one day with 25 resumes and didn’t come back until I gave them all away. Be massive, overwhelming, unstoppable with everything that matters to you.

-Know that when you take one step, you’re doing the right thing. If you talked to one person one day and they shot you down. GOOD! If you ordered a small fry instead of a normal, GOOD! Life progress is made in baby steps. Pat yourself on the back for every tiny insignificant step you make, and soon you’ll have traveled a mile and not even know it. Sometimes you’ll even feel like you haven’t moved yet everyone around you will see you differently.

-To be a fun person, whenever you get a thought in your head like “it would be fun to…” DO IT IMMEDIATELY! THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES! “Every exciting thing in your life happens when you are outside your comfort zone.” Go to that petting zoo you always drive by, go swimming with your pants on… etc. You will learn what you need and don’t need and the next time you do it, you’ll know what to expect. Every chance taken is an experience. Don’t think you need to prepare for anything unless you only have 1 shot at it. If you have more than 1 shot, just do it without any prep. You can bug out whenever you want and come back with fresh eyes. And if you ever get into a horrible situation because of your unpreparedness, it’ll make a hilarious story to tell. Trust me.

-Try not to stress over anything. See your life as a river traveling down a mountain. Any obstacles will either be hurdled quickly, or moved around, without concern or worry. Leave the things that don’t please you and stick hard with those that do. Be efficient and brutal, but take as much caution in not hurting people.

(:

2009-11-03T06:48:00.001-08:00

Bits of Wisdom

made me cry

2009-11-02T18:27:00.003-08:00

this is sweet

weekend

2009-11-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

this weekend has definitely been one of the longest, most tiring ones of my life. lots of parts were fun though... like:
-seeing paul ji play football..from outside the gates
-going up to sf
-seeing/hearing jdsn mock the bikers in costumes
-eating sandwiches the size of my head
-getting ice cream from ghirardelli PLUS free chocolate
then...
-harvest festival (investing half my day to hold a booth and pass out candy)
then...
-awana

i feel like i'm getting tired of kids. i know it sounds bad and i never thought this day would come, but i don't want to be with kids for a little while. i mean, don't get me wrong, I LOVE THEM. and i definitely do think that every one of them are cute, but you can only take so much of them at once.

ahhaha.

i'm really tired.

when people discover passion.. and we come upon something rare.

2009-10-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

i am really sore.

---

today i will spend my day at church for the harvest festival.
hmm.. i should check what time i need to be there by.

dream great dreams. pray great prayers. and obey in the presence of God.

2009-10-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

i'm so bipolar.

2009-10-28T21:56:00.001-07:00

God, why are you so silent?

my past is redeemed. my present makes sense. my future is secure.

2009-10-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

what more could I ask for if I understand and accept that?

life is perfect.
the world may not be, but i have a God on my side who promises to keep me safe.
i may not be happy all the time, but i have a God who promises to lift me up.
i may stumble and struggle, but i have a God who PROMSIES to guide me and lead me.
i might make a mistake, but God promises to love me despite my failures.
He loves it when I do my best and as long as it's for Him.
God promises me that He'll take me Home someday.

i accept.

an update on my wonderful blood giving day

2009-10-26T15:33:00.001-07:00

So my day started off well.
Introduced DCT to Andrew and apush+band was alright.
I forgot my pe clothes so I didn't dress out for pe

then.. it was time to face my doom
or to look at it positively, save four lives.

so, i walk in and i sign in, blah blah blah then take a seat until they call me in and this was my beautiful blood filled view:

So awfully nauseous already... I'm getting more and more scared and nervous as I wait.
It doesn't help that I'm impatient and especially that I have a fairly weak stomach.
Then... they call my NAME!

And so I got into this blue booth thing where they ask me questions, take my temperature, blood pressure, etc etc and prick my finger. My friend told me that would be the part that hurt the most (minus when they put the needle in my arm) so:

they gave me a bandaid and told me to put pressure on it to stop the bleeding. i was rebellious and didn't do that so i could take a quick picture with my phone.

then, i anxiously waited for them to call my name again to actually start the process of blood sucking. -_-

the nurse was real nice and asked how i was and even got me water and stuff. she put the iodine stuff on my arm and told me to relax. blah blah blah. she sticks the needle in and something happened and she looked frightened... but she keeps her cool and tells me to keep moving my hand so that the blood continues to circulate. that hurt like hell. then all of a suddent she's like "oh my gosh, that doesn't look good." and tries to fix it but can't so she calls someone else for help. next thing you know, the other nurse is trying to move the needle around in my arm. -_____- ouch. (and i don't even think i'm overexaggerating. that's really how it went). so i started tearing up, but luckily letrong was there to save my life and hold my hand. thank ya! then my original nurse asks me, "you still want to do this?" and of course i say no. HAHA just kidding. i said yes, just do it. so they finally find my vein after the 30th move and they're like "wow, your blood is moving quick. you should be done in about 6 minutes" hahahahaha.............. thanks lady.

so after that was over. they kept coming to check up on me and even the other ladies. and every time some new nurse came by to check.. they'd see my arm and say "uhh.. ugh. don't look at that. ahha. not pretty..." so WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO THINK OF THAT? oh man.

so i'm pretty freaked out by now but my flood's flowing so i know i'm almost done. nurse comes when i'm done and says... "i'm going to get you an ice pack but you're going to be bruised for a little while. when you get home, i need to you to ice your arm every few hours and after 24 hours, you should put heat on it." ....thanks lady.

so i'm crying... (slightly tearing) and i need to go pee cause they kept making me drink water.. and i tell her and she's all "i need to take you there and you can't lock the door cause i need to be able to get in if you faint or something" so ... i had my own escort to the 'potty' for the first time in like... 12 years. oh joy. but after that it was alright.

me with the ice pack wrapped around me:

and i was allowed to take it off after like 10 minutes.
my arm.. after this painful experience:

hahaha, just kidding. this was memorable and i saved four lives! yay. i wonder what my blood type is. anyway, honestly... i may have just gotten the bad experience but if you're considering, you should just do it. what's the pain for a half hour if you can save four lives? cool beans.

go save a life!

---edit---

it looks alright but i have two wholes and a fatty bruise that you can't see in this picture. ahhaha. i think i complain too much:

wrote a song for you... or i don't know who

2009-10-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you had better options
But I'm sure you were hurting too
It's hard to believe that you chose to make this decision
And I don't, I don't understand why

What were you thinking?
And sometimes I want to blame Him
Even when I know I shouldn't
What's going on?

I wish you had known about this community
I wish you had known how much we cared
I wish you had just asked for help
We would have been there to help you through
And we would have led you back to Him

Oh God, fill this congregation
Let our hearts be opened to compassion
ALlows us to seek You in need
And find strength because of You

Oh Lord,
be our Redeemer, our Savior, our God Almighty
Lord,
be our Messiah, the One who we call Holy
Oh Holy Lord, Oh Holy Lord,
Holy, Holy, Lord...

BGR + TESTS

2009-10-20T15:52:00.001-07:00

yay. at independence (WBA) we got 1st in general effect and 2nd overall.
good job bgr

----

on the other hand, i'm going to complain about having so many tests and quizzes this week:
Monday: none
Tuesday: test in trig, quiz in lit, test in span
Wednesday: test in jband
Thursday: quiz in apush, final in health, midterm in physio (OH MY GOSH)
Friday: not sure yet.
&
next Monday or Tuesday: chapter 13-16 test in apush

and this is PLUS all the extra homework i have.
and PLUS marching band.
sigh. too much.

on a brighter note, no competitions to worry about for the next 3 weeks
and back to a VERY, VERY UNFORTUNATE note, i'm missing the first show we're doing at folsom for korean sat2... so i am hoping i can still perform in the evening if we make it to finals. I HOPE BGR MAKES IT TO FINALS! please please please!

SERIOUSLY!

2009-10-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

wow.
GOOOOOO BGR!

in our division....
first place: field show, percussion, colorguard, woodwinds, marching, overall show
second place: brass, overall music

wow, you guys were great today.
i know some of you didn't have the best show, but we have some time to improve. i thought i had a decent show. just keep working at it and we'll be at the top again.

KEEP PRACTICING!
p.s. i love my trumpets (: the best section in the world.

There's So Much To Tell

2009-10-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

but no one to tell, really.

maybe it's just me.
i want to talk to someone. a person.
about everything.

It's Already October

2009-10-01T21:33:00.001-07:00

Oh my gosh.

Yes.

2009-09-27T20:47:00.001-07:00

I can't do this.

I know

2009-09-25T21:02:00.001-07:00

the schedule I want for second semester + senior year!

Right now is
apush-adams, jband-south, health-brown, hr trig-muralt, hr physio-buncic, hr brit lit-jackson, span3-gonzalez

second semester will be
apush-adams, jband-south, orch ta-south, hr trig-muralt, hr physio-buncic, hr brit lit-jackson, span3-gonzalez

senior year!!! (in the order that I have classes this year)
Government & Economics
Jazz Band
AP Calculus
AP Biology
AP Literature

three AP's but FIVE CLASSES!!!!

TGIF

2009-09-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Lately, a lot of things have just exhausted me mentally and physically. Too many things are getting on my nerves and I'm letting it get to me.

All my school friends care about are being popular or getting the homework done.
All my band friends care about learning/doing drill and playing.
All my church friends are going crazy over studying for SAT and SAT class.
All my teachers are forcing way too much homework on us.
All my church 'duties' are becoming somewhat like routines.
All my feelings are getting so confused and so mixed up in my head.
All my heart tells me is to follow what God wants.
All my mind wants is to do what feels best for me and not anyone else.
All my body wants to do is sleep and rest and be comfortable.

Maybe I'm just complaining. Maybe I just need to focus on the priority. God, and what He desires of me in school, band, home, and church. I know my purpose and I know that God wants to use me in changing my school. I don't expect it to change in one day. See You At The Pole was my first step. See You After The Pole with Christine and Kriselda is my second step. Sharing it with the christian club will be my third step. God, help me do this. I know this is your call. You're even bringing Yourself up in conversations at school. This is the opportunity You want me to seize and I'm going to. I just need Your courage, Your strength, Your love, and Your guidance.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Grades + blah blah blah

2009-09-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm a very unmotivated student. That's bad. Especially because I can truly show God's glory through my grades. I realize that if I know that, then that should be my motivation, but it's not. It's hard to say that, but maybe my faith is still lacking a lot more than I thought.

Anyway, grades are waivering. I promised my mom straight A's this semester. I'll die if I don't get it. She's been on my back about a lot of this stuff.. SATs, straight A's, comparisons to like everyone out there. Oh well..

So, today was the first day of "See You After The Pole" and I just had the chance to meet with one of my friends to kind of figure out what we're going to do. We started a little late so we didn't have time to finish but I hope that things will get less awkward and more focused on the purpose. We're also hoping that people start to come join us. I'm really excited actually. Little steps will make big things happen. I don't expect us to change everything, but I do expect to make this a significant event that changes who we are as students attending WHS. It's going to be hard, but prayer and constant seeking of God will provide us a long way. God knows what He's doing and I am scared but I'm ready to fight the battle. & I know I'm not alone.

2009-09-21T14:41:00.001-07:00

FJAIDSKLCNJAKLDNHEUIDRLNAJKSNVKA
I frFJEAIKLCNSAKFN EALSKNJSKALVJAKLAWA
ugh.

Today Is My Break Day

2009-09-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

It's teacher development day! yay.
so i get to take this day and use it for whatever i want.

i really want to go out. this is when i wish i could drive.
i'd take like $60 and go on a road trip.
a short one, but definitely one worth while.

man..

I Always...

2009-09-16T20:08:00.001-07:00

talk about how much I love love love music and playing my trumpet. I do. I really do.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm not good at just one thing though... I wish I were. I mean, the more I play and the more I learn music, the more I realize that I'm not that good. I always say that music is my passion (whether it be what my parents want or not), but I'm not sure anymore. But who knows. I have time still. Not a lot, but still some.

it feels nice

2009-09-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

to have hope and to like... (:

i'm so frustrated

2009-09-16T07:56:00.001-07:00

at myself.
at people.
at a lot of things.
what can i do..

2009-09-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

on the third day of minicamp i accomplished many things.
memorized second production
marched and play first & second movement by memory
confronted Gigantor about her bs

um. i miss cherry. too much

Today is the Second Day of.................

2009-09-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

MINICAMP. oh joy.
It starts at 9am and ends at 9pm. I miss my social life. Haha, not that I had much of one, but now that it's REALLY the marching season and cause I have much more responsibility... I have no life outside of band band band! It's good in some way. I've been realizing more and more each day that I love music. That I love to play my trumpet and have that amazing sound come out. It's my peace.

But it's also sad to say that because I've been so caught up in marching band, that I haven't given God the time that He deserves. Starting today, I'm working on it harder. I know that God is still waiting for me and is constantly forgiving me for all the things I do. God is here. God is there. He never leaves me and I know that. And I will remember that throughout the day.

God, be with me today.
Be with my band and our music too.
I know that if I lay my trust in Your hands, that You will work great miracles. I don't expect you to make everything and everyone sounds amazing, I just ask that you will allow us to grow as a team and as a group. You put me here for a reason and I know my place. Help me build that courage so that I may continue to express my love for you there. Even if it may just be one person at a time. I love you and I trust You with everything I have and am. Amen.

+ Marching Show. If you want to hear our music: Canon Deconstruction Reconstruction
http://www.keypoulan.com/admin/view_marching_original.php?id=2
Click the link. The page for this specific show music should come up. In the first section which is titled: Show Description/Music Samples, it should give three different movements. Deconstruction, Expressivo, and Reconstruction. Next to each of these titles are notes, click on those and you should be able to hear the music (:

I came home

2009-09-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

and opened my internet thing
and went to facebook
and it was HUGE...

my face literally took up half of the screen. ahahha look at that!

apparently, my father was trying to look at something very closely and zoomed it in 400%. HAHAHAHAHHA.
blame his eye.

I Don't

2009-09-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

want to blog anymore.
i'm losing inspiration.

i'll be back when i think of something of any sentimental value
and when i have time. goodbye.

This is what studying all day did for me..

2009-09-03T21:37:00.001-07:00

OH GOD.

2009-09-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

LET ME RANT.

JCKSALCKLEAJGIOE:AJKLCANCKLAS MDKSCL NJK LWANCJKSNCKALNVJEKSLCMSAKLFJROUHT:IOAU RJEFKSLNCKLANJGKLJVMASO:JFNJFKML

My Schedule & Update On Homework/Test

2009-08-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

My Five Minutes Are Over...

2009-08-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

5 Minutes of Fame - Barlowgirl

It was a common story, yeah who cares that I changed?
Why are people freaking out?
Maybe I gave in more than I should, maybe I sold out
But the truth was I was really getting nowhere until I woke up and found
That morals can't take you up to the top your standards pull you down

Was it worth it what I gave away
For five minutes of fame
Minutes over no one knows my name
I always said the thing that meant the most to me was my very integrity
Who would have thought I'd ever trade it all for popularity
'Cause the truth is though I've made it to the top I'm anything but satisfied
I gave up the only thing that mattered for this empty life

This time I'm saying no
This world will know what I believe in
I've lost enough to know
That life's too short to waste it
Or my minute of fame

ohman

2009-08-28T17:54:00.001-07:00

so freaking tired

I Am Home Alone

2009-08-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

and Candy is barking -_-

I think I'm lonely.

Hm, so tomorrow I have a quiz in physio, and homework due in trig.
i should do the hw right now.

This Sucks

2009-08-27T00:07:00.001-07:00

Homework made me stay up this late.
Not even a really really good conversation... but homework.

haha, goodnight

Today Is A Late Start!

2009-08-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

I love my wednesday schedule. Jband, Trig & Brit Lit (:

Anyway, there's so much to talk about but I never leave myself enough time to come back to this blog. I guess there's really no need for me to write it down here. It's too public

Wow, this entry is much like a teaser. I say I'll write stuff, but I don't. Hm, we'll see.

SO! Today after school, there's a trumpet sectional that we might meet up with the clarinets for. Tomorrow night, we have bgr practice from 5:30 - 8:30pm. Saturday, we have practice from 9am - 5pm. Wow long day! And then, there's a dinner party in Berkeley that I would definitely LOVEEEEEEEEEEE to go to, but I'm not sure if my parents will let me go.

First Day Of School.

2009-08-24T06:54:00.001-07:00

Will update when I get back (:

===
& must blog about some other things!

I Love Personality Tests

2009-08-23T14:09:00.001-07:00

haha, even though sometimes they're not accurate... i like to see how other people view certain things. HOWEVER, i think Jung Typology has been the must accurate.

i am, INFJ (Introverted56, iNtuitive50, Feeling38, Judging22)
the crazy thing about this is the series of explanations i'm going to copy&paste into this blog:
1) This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn
2) They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people
3) INFJs are true introverts, however, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates"
4) As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood
5) INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as religious leadership

i think i pretty much agree with all five of those. in my situation at the least. (:
you guys should try: www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

I'll Post Up The Very Few Pictures I Took Soon..

2009-08-19T20:58:00.001-07:00

my bruise on my leg is nasty
and i'm tanner
and sunburned...

sigh!
hahahhaha. must sleep.

I'm Just Tired Now

2009-08-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

and sick of it. -__-

i complained too much about this already. i'm still sore...

night.

Must Complain

2009-08-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

Band Camp...

My lips are freaking chapped and it feels like I have a third lip. It's swollen and bruised and the inside of my bottom lip is ripped. I don't think I have ever consistently played this much in my entire life. It's really only been four days. Wow, four days already? Haha. And I have sunburns and tans... I wore a v-neck on one of the days and I have a v-neck tan now! I have one bruise on each of my legs. It's almost symmetrical except that the one on my left leg is much bigger in size. And greener in color. Ew. I didn't realize until two days ago that I was tapping my trumpet against my leg so it bruises.

It sucks though. I had to miss church this weekend... for band. One day though, I want to be able to talk to my band about my faith. That would be a great day.

Anyway, enough whining for today. Goodnight

I Don't Know

2009-08-15T22:27:00.001-07:00

how long it has been...

since i was this sore!
haha

I

2009-08-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

am so tired.
and sunburned
and weak
and sore
and in pain

pray for me.
please.
hahahha.
band camp is quite the work out.

To Cherrina,

2009-08-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn't call you before you left.
I swore to myself I would.

But I got too caught up in getting to the first day of band camp yesterday.. -_-
sorry.
I miss you already.

Band Camp Day 1

2009-08-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

Got name tags, got signed in
Puzzles, time consumers
Went over basics
Made goals, etc
Had sandwiches for lunch
Activ
..........

basically we did a lot of stuff

muscially, we went over a majority of peptunes and warmups
good.
tired, but good.

Schedule For Junior Year

2009-08-11T10:48:00.001-07:00

1 AP US History - Adams
2 Jazz Band - South
3 PE Health - idk yet (ONLY ONE SEMESTER! woohoo)
4 Trigonometry H - Muralt
5 Human Physiology H - Buncic
6 British Literature H - Jackson
7 Spanish 3 - Gonzalez

it shall be a study-filled year (:

Planned For Today:

2009-08-11T07:53:00.001-07:00

Picture Day/Schedule Pick-up Day
9:00am - 10:30am

Hiking/Movie
10:30am - around 4:30pm

Band Council Meeting
5:00pm - whenever

i've got a busy day ahead of me

Hello.

2009-08-10T17:34:00.001-07:00

Goodmorning.
How you do?

Lost.

2009-08-10T09:09:00.001-07:00

The last few days (sorry, I say I will update... I will get to it soon) of tour, I thought a lot about what changes would need to be made when I got back home. Things that angered me, things that saddened me, and even some things that satisfied me. The one of first importance was prayer. I need to be rooted in God's Word, I need to love God more, I need to thank Him more, I need to talk with Him more. Prayer is essential to everything I do. Little or big.

Then. Two things I didn't realize that was a big deal to me came up when I returned home:
1) As I said in the previous entry, the moment I walked in through my front door, I was rushed with a series of bad news. Just some stuff that really affect me right now.
2) I realized I'm pretty lonely. I had a dream last night. I was watching/chaperoning some kids at a playground (this dream might seem stupid and irrelevant) and I was trying to play with them. None of the kids wanted to play with me or talk to me and all ran the other direction to play with eachother. I guess I was in the mindset of a child, but I felt so alone and that no one paid attention to me. Yesterday, we went to the flea market and my mom told me I had to come out right after service so we could take my sister to it. My mom wanted to buy her new boots. We ended up not buying it cause she wasn't interested in the ones that they sold, but whenever I asked for something (and I probably sound selfish), my mom said no.

Whether it was me being selfish or wanting more attention... I still feel lonely. I know a lot of you will tell me my parents love each of us equally, but my sisters are so great. They're so perfect that I'm always compared to them and always put down. I'm sure a lot of younger siblings feel like this, so I don't know why it particularly bugs me so much. It used to never bug me, and I'm sure it's been like this my entire life. I wonder why.

Anyway,
I'm working on changing.
To be the appropriate daughter my parents want
To be the loveable person that people like
To be someone that doesn't feel lonely

Wow, I'm Back (:

2009-08-09T08:29:00.001-07:00

The Livingwater Tour was amazing.
I miss everyone already. There is no doubt that I will be returning to Berkeley to see them.
Wow, miss them so much.
Anyway, pictures ON FACEBOOK!
I will update more when I have extra time.
Rest of summer shall be busy, busy busy (:

--
even though the moment i walked through my doors, i was rushed with bad news...
i think it's okay.
feels like home. i'm ready to change. God is working already.
yes.

This Is It...

2009-07-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

God, just the way You promised...
Help me?
Guide me?
Please.

I'm Sorry God...

2009-07-25T23:23:00.001-07:00

can You please help me?

God,

2009-07-25T18:59:00.001-07:00

we have less than twenty four hours

until

we leave for Berkeley/LA.

I don't want to leave on this note.
I don't want to leave unhappy.
I don't want to leave passionless
and angry...
and sad...

Let me at least cry it out.
Let me..
My eyes are dry
and my heart is cold
Fill me up again.

I really need Your love right now.

WHY

2009-07-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lord, won't you reign in me again?
Lord, would you give me strength?
Lord, will you give me passion?
Will you would you love me forever?

I want You
I need You
I love You
and I know it.
but...

argh, God.. why?

Home Alone

2009-07-24T21:10:00.001-07:00

hm. i think i like the peaceful silence.

God speaks

love

to me.

i am weary and burdened

2009-07-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

God, you promised to give rest to those who are broken. Don't forget that promise, okay?

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

i am still craving

2009-07-22T23:49:00.001-07:00

happiness.

I Don't Think I've Missed Opportunities Today

2009-07-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

(:
God, You have created a longing in my heart.
I love You so much for that.

I love spiritual conversations.

God,

2009-07-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

I thank You for prayer.
I thank You for listening to everything I have to say.
I thank You for caring and being patient even when I'm emotional.
I thank You for not leaving my side.
I thank You for giving me strength and letting me trust You.
I thank You for Your power.
I thank You for Your mercy.
I thank You for Your overflowing grace and love.
I thank You for everything I have.
I thank You for being who You are.
I thank You for being God.

I thank You SOOOO MUCH.

to see, hear, and witness

2009-07-22T12:30:00.001-07:00

can someone buy me the book
"Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference?" by Philip Yancey

please.

Yesterday, My Friend Told Me,

2009-07-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

"Wow, you're really religious, huh?"

YES YES YES YES YES. of course I am.
I don't know what I'd be doing if I couldn't believe in something greater than this world.
Maybe dead? Maybe depressed? Maybe lost and confused?

Of course I am religious. Of course I love God. Of course I want you to know.

I Feel Horrible Already

2009-07-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

& you're not making it any better.

I am angry already because I will miss my mom's birthday for the first time, but it's not like I am not going to be able to say Happy Birthday to her or it's not going to be like I will never see her again. I can still give her gift, I can still wish her a happy and healthy year. If God is calling me to go on missions, I am going to go. I realize she might be sad, but there are so many hurting people out there. These exact dates have been planned since the day I signed up for Mexico Missions. I can't change the date. I just feel that this is also something important to me and it's something I don't want to miss out on. Maybe I'm just being selfish? I don't know.

Everyday, there seems to be something new that makes me regretful, or sorry, or hold grudges. It's all starting to get out now.

What I Want, Isn't Always What He wants.

2009-07-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to start this off. Whether this entry will become my confession, if it will draw attention to myself once more, or if this is just something to get out of my head.

I guess I should just get into it.

This past week. During the week that I could have gone to the leadership conference, I think God specifically left me here for a purpose. Not for any evangelistic purpose, but for myself. This past week has been one of the most emotional weeks of my life. It has also been the most I have struggled with my own identity and my own purpose in this life. And on top of that, I am just full of regrets and grudges all of a sudden.

Instead of going on about that, I guess I'll get into the real reason I am writing this right now. I can see myself... whenever I have a problem, I am in constant need of hearing someone else's problems. Whether it is because I need reassurance that I am not alone in this hole, or if it's because I just want to get away from my own problems. When I think about it, it just makes me go crazy because I don't know. I truly hope that, even as I may be saying that I only care because it's for my own benefit, people won't think I'm using them but that I really do care. I fear that through this, it may offend people. I really want to care about people. I really want to know how they are feeling. It is important for everyone to know that they can have dependence on me who has dependence on the Almighty God.

Even as this is going on, I have stuck to my commitments. In particular, the biggest one for me right now, is living out a heart of prayer. I can see myself changing through prayer. Not only have they gotten much stronger and powerful, but they are truly lighting the lives of those I pray for. Just a mention of "hey, I'll pray for you" brightens their face. With simple prayers, it will truly brighten their hearts and their lives. I love asking people if they need prayer. I love to pray now. And I don't think I could have grown this much more, if I had gone to the leadership retreat. The amount of time I had spent thinking to myself or time that I spent alone would have been limited.

Maybe where I think God is leading me... isn't really where He is leading me. But even if that is, He has blessed me so much.

I mean, there's no doubt that I am still struggling with a series of problems (and some other things), but I still believe that God is leading me somewhere. Far. And it will let me see the true worth of God, the love of God, His power, His longing for me, and my purpose for living.

God,

2009-07-21T10:35:00.001-07:00

is this true?
Is this what you wanted me to know?

The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven

2009-07-21T00:45:00.001-07:00

I Am Compelled

2009-07-20T20:24:00.001-07:00

To speak of Your Word

I Trust God

2009-07-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

I really really do.
Faith and obedience. Faith and obedience.

Give Us Clean Hands

2009-07-20T01:32:00.000-07:00

We bow our hearts, we bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes, from evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

Oh God let us be a generation that seeks
That seeks Your face Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be a generation that seeks
That seeks Your face Oh God of Jacob

Today.

2009-07-20T01:04:00.000-07:00

No, this past week.
I have had a lot of time to think about where I'm at with my life. With so much going on, I guess I just had a hard time keeping track of who I am at this point. Right now, I think I am hurting both emotionally and physically. Nothing in particular has triggered that. Or I guess the build up of unforgotten/unforgiven grudges has snuck up on me so suddenly. All these emotions have just been poured out of me in the last few days. And I think I'm so spiritually lost. Wait no, not lost... but confused in some sense... that every time I come upon God or every time I want to come before Him and praise Him.... I can't. I start crying.

I am very emotional.
Maybe it's just a phase.
I need to seek God more.
Need to be unashamed.
Need to love.
Need to be loved..

i'm so

2009-07-19T23:15:00.001-07:00

regretful.

sadness is essential

2009-07-15T21:11:00.001-07:00

otherwise you wouldn't know when happy, is happy.

i'm sad today.

i always say i'm going to write something meaningful

2009-07-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

which means.. something i've been thinking about an awful lot and need to write down.

but i always stop in the middle and don't want to say anymore. or maybe i just get tired of thinking about it. i don't know. anyway, that's why all my entries are always short. thought i'd let everyone know ... cause i type a lot... actually. and then i erase it. -_- which is stupid, but i do.

I Have To Start Paying Attention

2009-07-09T22:06:00.001-07:00

to everything that is happening around me.

Today, I Was Almost Robbed.

2009-07-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

I won't go into details. I'm pretty sleeeepy.

bjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjn
oh mann ^ that was from me falling asleep on my sister's laptop. HAHA. I wonder if people with double chins would press down two letters at a time. ahhaha.

random thought.
i realized that i remember useless things. i still remember my sister's airline number. haha. but i also remember my train of thoughts. i think i need to balance that skill so that i can start remembering things EASILY. my train of thoughts are so irrelevant, but i like them. keeps me imaginative and entertained. hahah. anyway, must sleep. this is what sleepiness does to me. makes me talk weird and randomly. i'm not even sure if all of this makes sense.

-____________________- SIGH.

2009-07-01T20:16:00.001-07:00

Santa Clara Library

2009-07-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think about all the corruption that exists in this world and it really hurts me. This past week I've seen a lot of movies and out of those, there were two specific ones that struck me. They were rather informative: Taken, and Slum Dog Millionaire.

Now, you would expect me to go on about some epiphany I had or something, but I've got nothing. I think I have lost this sense of simplicity. I actually really enjoy complex things that make me confused because that's when I know I'll learn something. BUT. I think I've lost simplicity in a sense that.. we now expect some kind of explanation for everything that is thrown from peoples' mouths. There are no more hello's just to say hello but to ask a favor. There are no more tidbits of laughter just because you thought of something funny. It's all about the logicality and about what people think of you. I guess it's inevitable at this point, but it helps to keep some nostalgic memories.

i lie to you too much

2009-07-01T01:09:00.001-07:00

hope you know i'm very sorry

a lot of stuff happened

2009-06-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

in the last two days
it's hard to explain / write it down here
i guess it's just meant for me to keep to myself

still waiting

I am bored.

2009-06-30T09:23:00.001-07:00

I'm getting my hair cut again. ahah.
The back was long, so my aunt is cutting it for me.

& ice skating? with soomin & cherrina! (:

My Wrist Hurts

2009-06-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

A LOT.
I told my mom and now I have to go to the acupuncture place again. A different one now. Cause the one I went to before thought I was joking around and didn't give me proper acupuncture.

And my mom needed pahseu so we bought a couple & she put one on me. It stings like a ajfklajcklafjklajvklacjkaljfa ! Hurts! a lot. more than it did when i didn't have it on -____- sigh.

i also have my wrist brace back on. stupid wrist.

eh, i feel sad today

2009-06-28T22:36:00.001-07:00

I Miss You

2009-06-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

I guess this is what God calls 'living heaven on earth'. The desire to miss things has really become an essential part of my life. I mean, it's not always bad. To miss people or to miss things, you know?

Occasionally I miss things so much that each time I think about it, I want to cry and just go back. This is exactly the opposite of what God wants... I think. I have to keep building good memories like that and more so in a way that I can spread the Truth. I'm sure a lot of people do this. Or maybe no one does. It's like those times when you remember the past (something really GREAT that happened) and you get this weird feeling inside you that wants to get out. I then feel extremely trapped inside myself and get emotionally claustrophobic. It's confusing I guess. There's so much to miss, but also so much to live out.

Maybe it doesn't make any sense at all.

I've Lost Track Of Days

2009-06-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have a really interesting topic to write about, but then my laziness keeps me from writing it all down. Or something happens, where I change my mind. At that point, I just erase what I've already written and never come back to it.

Like now, I had no point to what I just said.

----

I think I have been overly dramatic and overly emotional lately. I don't know why it's come to mind now, but yeah. Etc, etc, etc. In just everything I do, I get irritated so easily. I cry or I yell. I realized this past week of the way certain people react to certain situations. Especially when they are angry. Some people react with violence, which I have seen a lot in these past MANY years. I also realized that my words seem to hurt a lot of people. I guess my sarcasm takes me a step to far. A friend of mine (we can call her Person A), on the second to last day of school, mentioned how rude I had been lately or more so 'unfriendly' but it was SOOOO hard to say sorry, but eventually I thought it over and said it. I mean... or I guess I don't notice it until someone gets butthurt about something I said and then I'm stuck trying to apologize or leave them alone until they cool off. I suppose it's a bad thing... really bad. I should have known it got offensive, and now I need to learn how to control it. Then again, even as I don't want to blame other people, if someone had told me sooner maybe I could have stopped myself? Of course, there's myself to blame in a lot of this, but still. Come on. Anyway, I don't think I have written an entry about this thought yet, or at least not a short while enough for me to remember, so good.

Hm, I guess because I have seen it and I now understand what Person A means, I can watch my words and the things I say. Sorry to those I have said hurtful things. Thanks Person A for setting me straight. I guess I needed it.

To Cherrina Yoon.

2009-06-25T14:13:00.001-07:00

you know the drill.

i wish you knew you rarely ruin things.. :/

2009-06-23T19:45:00.001-07:00

I have no motivation to write

anymore

Today Was MY First Day Of Work

2009-06-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

In reference to Cherrina's entry yesterday.

---

So, this whole day I have been anticipating that first one hour that I would be spending tutoring a girl named Sally. Having come from Korea (recently? i think), she was in an ESL/ELD class and now she has to change schools requiring her to go into regular classes. Her mother put a lot of pressure on this fact and that the summer was a crucial time. Nonetheless, I am paid $12.50 for the hour. I realize it's less than what other tutors receive, but I am neither experienced nor a genius, so I am content with the pay. On a brighter note, I think I gained her trust and took away her anxiousness as we started off by introducing ourselves and exchanging hello's. Though I am not the best korean speaker I think we were successfully conversing. Which is good. Very good. Maybe not trust, actually... More like friendliness. I didn't teach her too much (though now I feel compelled/obliged to) but I hope it was a good first impression to Sally and that she feels a least bit more comfortable around me.

For now.
-Monday & Wednesday @ SC Library
-tutoring Sally (incoming second grader)
-3:30 to 4:30pm
-$25 a week / $12.50 an hour

+CHURCH
tutoring yubin/subin
babysitting hyun suh (:

-----> fun stuff!

People Are Dying

2009-06-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

I could list a handful of people that I have grown to love, that have left me. It's sad because you create this loving relationship with them and they have to leave you. You exchange care and friendship, but they are taken away from you because of this thing called 'death'. Sometimes I really hate it. Even though a majority of those counted on each finger, I know I will meet in Heaven... we are worlds apart. I can imagine how amazing Heaven is and I miss them. It's very rare these days that I think about these few people, but when I do I can't help but continue to relive memories and think about all the things they have missed out on.

I'm just sad. I miss people.
Dead or alive.
I feel like even if I had just seen someone, and we are going to see each other again soon, I miss them already. When I go to church, the entire day is packed and scheduled so there is no time for us to just, sit and chat. Not that sitting and chatting is the most important thing about going to church, but it's essential in a relationship. I have come to realize that I love face-to-face conversation and if not that, phone calls at the least. The moment we turn away from eachother after hanging out or seeing eachother at school or crossing the street, I miss them for some reason. I seem to find myself regretting not doing 'certain things'. Stupid... pathetic... I know.

I can't help it.

So many people are dying around me. Well, not just around me, but around everyone.
I hope Jesus comes real soon.

A happy picture, to brighten this melancholy mood:

Schedules

2009-06-19T17:08:00.000-07:00

Freshman Year (actual schedule) - at schs
Jazz Band
Biology
PE
Geometry
English Honors
Freshman Foundations/Comp Lit
Spanish 1

Sophomore Year (actual schedule) - at wilcox
AP European History
Jazz Band
Chemistry Honors
English Honors
PE
Algebra 2 Honors
Spanish 2

Junior Year (outline? just a list)
AP United States History
Jazz Band
Human Physiology Honors
British Literature Honors
PE/Health
Trigonometry Honors
Spanish 3

Senior Year (outline? just a list. i'm not sure yet)
AP Economics/Government
Jazz Band
AP Biology
AP Literature
[AP?] Physics [not sure yet]
[AP?] Calculus [not sure yet either]
AP Spanish Language

that's what i think will be my schedule for the next two years

Some Things For The Summer

2009-06-19T17:04:00.002-07:00

The To-do's:
-babysitting/tutoring for missions
-tutoring (summer job!)
-drivers ed -_-
-brit lit & apush summer hw
-SAT studying

need to get out.

Thank You

2009-06-13T19:43:00.001-07:00

WOOHOO!

2009-06-12T21:40:00.003-07:00

school's out!